Admittedly I will tell you I have fallen into a very bad funk of feeling sorry for myself lately. I missed the point. What I talk to you about here on this blog, I rarely do myself on a regular basis… I just wish it for everyone so badly because I know it truly is a happier place and way to be. It’s easier said than done and I had hoped that if you followed along with my preaching of getting together with those you love and those you are choosing to find out more about, you would find happiness.
In that, you can be sure, I was telling you the truth…my intentions were and still are, good.
Right now I cannot sleep and as always,( as is true to me), I start questioning why?
I realized I have not said all I need to say to those that I love and adore and could not live without.
Today I got a call in work from my neighbor and good friend/family that another friends (also a neighbor) child died.
This beautiful soul was not just another neighbor or acquaintance…she was the daughter of a mother and father, a sister to a brother and Aunt to a niece and nephew and so on, who will miss her tremendously. She was an advocate for those who at times could not help themselves. She volunteered most of her time to making sure others were taken care of… and then determined it wasn’t enough and she should return to school and get her master’s degree in social work, a field most regard as worthless until they know what impact a person like Emerald has had on others. She was, for all intents and purposes, the light that lit the paths of others. A gift.
I have lost way too many people in my life and in a short period of time, a father, a husband, the dear friend that helped me survive his death, a brother and a sister-in-law, and a few others to boot. I felt like I had my ass kicked into next week way too many times and prayed for it to stop…it did, when I was numb and feeling nothing at all.
That is until today, when I got the call that my friend’s child died. A light that lit a path for so many others was put out, permanently.
Immediately my heart hurt…I mean it really hurt. My guess is that because I am a Mom and I can relate to what it must feel like to lose something I value so much, it had a profound impact. A mother of the sweetest kind, lost her baby and soulmate and a father lost his little girl.
I am sad, I am shocked, but most of all I am grateful….I am grateful for the wonderful life I have in front of me and that I get to wake up each day and try again. How dare I say it is not good enough…or to much to handle, less than perfect…
I am not perfect, I have faults and yet God allows me to wake up EVERY day…. a gift I did not realize was as huge as it is until now. I want to tell this child’s parents I am sorry for not including them more in my oh so busy life so that on this day of indescribable horror in their lives I could have been a genuine source of comfort to them as their friend. I want to say that even though their sweet son was my daughters best friend for so many years, I regret not staying in touch, especially since they were just down the street. There are so many things I want to say and should have known better than to hold back on. My intentions were good. We saw them last week at the gas station and vowed to have them over after the new year. What the hell!!! I never said the things I should have so what good were they to anyone???
Most importantly, Ms. Emerald Padillo I want to thank you… for in your passing I have once again been given a gift of enlightenment. One that I was given long ago in many similar situations but somehow failed to realize and accept. This is something I can pass on to my children, family, friends and new friends in the future…in that I mean, I can say “Hey, can you hang a minute and listen to me? I want to tell you how important you are to me”.
I will remember from this point on to value and make the most of what is before me, not wallow in self pity about what I am missing or what could be different to make it perfect or what things of the past I found unforgivable and held onto that dragged me to the point of anger, self loathing, jealousy, whining or anything else.
Emerald you did not touch your feet on this earth and die in vain. You fulfilled God’s mission for you and we will miss you. May angels wings lift you to higher places…
I read the statement below and found it comforting. I hope if you are hurting when you read this you will find peace in your heart. We are not put here alone, we are here to raise each other up. NOTHING IS BY CHANCE…We are family raised in different households.
“As we are walking through the valley of darkness it is like looking at a shadow and when we turn away from the dark shadow we see the light that is God.” ~ as written on another blog by Emeralds, ex-sister-in-law.
Maryanne and Celso you are not alone, I speak for all of our neighbors and friends when I say that your loss is a loss to all of us. We will all be here making sure that you have arms wrapped around you, open doors to walk through and and find shoulders to rest your weary heads and hearts when you can’t bear this load any more.
To everyone reading this say a prayer of peace for the Padillo family and remember, “treat your friends like family and your family like friends”