It’s early, still dark and I don’t want to wake up the house while I get ready for my Christmas spending expedition. I fumble around for my clothes and shoes and descend the stairs fully clothed. I am anticipating the mobs in the stores at the mall I have to brave today to complete my shopping. I am downing my last cup o’ Joe.
“My Lord, I have put on the weight this year!” is all I can say to myself as I take a last look in the mirror before dodging out the door.
I dressed comfortably this morning in a velour running outfit, but my undies seem to have a mind of their own and want to reside in the wrong place today. They are fairly new and they weren’t cheap. I mumble to myself, “I can’t believe the elastic has given way already, nothing is made well anymore.” I give a tug and get on my way.
I buzz from store to store snatching up gift cards, stocking stuffers and other goodies all the while cursing my rear size and underwear dilemma. I repeatedly commit myself to the usual New Years resolution of losing the pounds.
By noon I drop the load I am carrying off in the car to go back for round two. As I stroll across the parking deck, I feel that familiar feeling of …”THE CREEP”…I certainly can’t yank at myself in the mall parking lot I say, that would be RUDE! So I proceed to waddle slightly from side to side with the hope of a “miraculous adjustment”. NOPE, not happening! My back end is looking like two ten pound puppies wrestling under a large teal blanket.
Back in the mall I dart towards the Starbucks hoping to adjust myself properly in the ladies room but the line is out the door and I have no time to wait. I decide to get in line for a coffee and with that, round two of the puppy war begins.
With coffee in hand I back into a corner by the cream and sugar bar to doctor up my drink and secure an opportunity to get three good tugs in. Relief at last and back into Christmas bliss I go…
I am no more than ten feet out of Starbucks when the two bad pups begin to wage war on each other once again. (Left side is winning) I am beginning to look forward to January’s diet of rabbit food and water.
As I drill through the racks of clothing in one of the stores my teenage children like to shop in, I spot it…a table display full of underwear. I chuckle as I think how funny it is that people hate to get underwear for Christmas and I stand here coveting the stacks of cotton comfort before me. I swear if I thought I could find my size on that table I would have replaced the ones I was wearing in the dressing room and taken the tag to the register no matter what embarrassment I would have to endure.
“Maybe I should just buy myself some underwear for Christmas.” AHHH! What? What am I saying?
The day of agony continued on for what seemed an eternity and I vowed to banish the “puppies” from my life forever once the new year begins.
As I strolled along I inquired of myself how some women thought thongs were comfortable enough to wear all day. Obviously they were lucky enough to get the runts of the litter when it came to “the puppies”.
The wedgie war continued all the way home and I was on the losing side. I couldn’t think about anything else, heck I couldn’t even remember what gifts I had bought today.
Tired and weary, battered and beaten I rounded the corner to home. The front porch light was like a beacon of hope. The kind of hope a sailor feels after being ship wrecked at sea and seeing a rescue ship on the horizon.
I dashed through the door and without so much as a peck on the cheek and a “hello” to my family I took the stairs three at a time and slammed the bathroom door.
My family must have thought I lost my mind when they heard the maniacal but joyful laughter booming from the rafters.
As I positioned my thumbs into the sides of my drawers to remove them, to what did my wondering senses did I feel? (Come on…it’s Christmas, go with me here) but the cotton crotch on my left hip! My panties had been on sideways all day long! As I repositioned my knickers I made a mental note to myself…
“NEVER under any circumstances get dressed in the dark again!”
SO…there will be no underwear given or received (I hope) for Christmas this year.
If you’ve been misbehavin’,
You really must dispair,
‘Cause all you’ll get for Christmas
Is a bunch of underwear!
I feel I have taken my relationship with all of you to a new level. Feel free to pass along this little Christmas fable to any friends or family you feel could use a good laugh by sharing this link. http://wp.me/p1yo4S-ie
Enjoy your holidays. XO, Kathy
“Remember to treat your friends like family and your family like friends.”